the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
3.75 has never been such a horrible number to see in my life before.
the fallen saint left at 1:44 am
i know i have nice clothes.
the fallen saint left at 10:09 pm
never, ever leave the organizing of gatherings to the 11th hour, as proven by mark chew. tsk.
the fallen saint left at 10:00 pm
i lapsed into an intolerable emotional state over dinner last night. it was sudden and unexpected. i'm sorry if i ruined your dinner.
the fallen saint left at 9:33 pm
if you're trying to get a message across, you sure aren't saying anything.
the fallen saint left at 10:24 pm
you haunted me again, painful as it was before. you never would listen, always biased against what i had to say to the extent that you didn't want to hear anything from me.
the fallen saint left at 11:55 am
i dislike being dragged to things i have no interest in and/or where my presence or lack of it makes no difference. it is an utter waste of my time, and although i cannot guarantee that time could be spent doing something more useful or productive, i can safely say i will not feel such irritation given the freedom.
the fallen saint left at 9:12 pm when you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
the fallen saint left at 11:20 am
it's been salient for some time now, and for better or worse, i think this issue needs to be addressed. i owe it to luck and fortune that i tend to pick up things fairly fast and without much complication (except math, chinese and stats), and have inadvertently come to expect the same - if not better - from others. it is perhaps an opportune time to accept that not everyone progresses on the same topics at the same pace.
the fallen saint left at 3:29 am
i've come to realize that i've lost all understanding of this thing called love. it's by far more foreign and alien than stats is to me now. i've no idea if it's an emotion or a state of being. maybe it's a bit of both. no matter, it won't concern me as far as i can tell.
the fallen saint left at 5:56 pm
an excerpt from The Afghan, written by Frederick Forsyth, on the Lockheed Martin AC-130 Hercules Spectre gunship:
the fallen saint left at 2:21 pm
Friday, December 28, 2007
what crap
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
fucking pissed
why? because i just got back to hall and i saw half my laundry (which i'd hung out to dry outside my room over the weekend) missing. from what i remember, there was my black canterbury polo tee, denim jeans and underwear.gone.the thief didn't even spare the clothes pegs.you fucking dishonest bastards, i swear if i ever catch any of you red-handed you'll wish your father was impotent.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
christmas!
a monumentally anti-climactic evening aside, the afternoon was great. mine was a bit of a last-minute dash-and-grab too but at least there was a bit of thought here and there thrown into the planning, so i suppose this time around it'll pass. from a large list of choices, it was narrowed down to hanabi japanese restaurant, it's dim sum it's gastronomy, and menotti cafe and bar. my darling twin chose the last choice with (i assume) some research having helped with her decision-making.
i regret that there weren't any pictures taken of the food we ordered, but it just didn't seem very befitting of the circumstances, given that the restaurant wasn't that packed when we were there and the waiters were therefore ogling at the few customers present. twinnie noticed too that all the staff were male, and it occurred to me that i had never imagined an italian waitress before.
that aside, the main courses were rather small in portions. hers was, at least. mine was just fine by me. the gelato was awesome, and for the price we paid, it was served up in pretty respectable portions. the food quality was good, and those of you who know me will be aware of my picky standards.
merry christmas twin! next up, kuishinbo or wacha! (:
twins on christmas day, 2007.
Monday, December 17, 2007
my debt
there were lots of flashbacks popping up in my head as thoughts raced past and guilt stacked up. i felt i was where i was because of all the negative things i did before - dropping girls like uninteresting toys, being casual and callous with those who were flings.
in a strange, perverse way, i'd contributed to my current state in no small part through the actions i took during the past couple of years. as i look back now, some actions seem outrightly disgraceful, whilst others should have been accorded more attention and consideration before i committed myself to them.
all in all, i don't know where i should begin, and i can't say for sure if i'm any better than i was before. people have said to me the important thing is that i'm trying. i am. but to me, trying isn't good enough. it's a consolation for losers.
i know my past can never be forgotten, and to some people - myself included - i am unforgiven. already i've accumulated a mountain of debt, and perhaps i am not deserving, but i seek to be absolved of my mistakes which i have long ago acknowledged.
i'm still paying for the sins of yesterday.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
unsure
if you're dropping hints, i'm not picking them up.
i don't know if this is going anywhere, or if there's anything in it at all. the last mistake i want to make is to assume this is different when you're merely like this with everyone, and even so i don't know if i want any of this at all.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
dream
it's sad. there's no way i can get closure to something that was cut off from me two years ago, because i don't know where you are now. it eats at me when i think about it.
you'll always be an open-ended question.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
let
i am annoyed.
and i am pissed off by lousy drivers on the roads. absolute bollocks.
bitter lesson
Thursday, December 06, 2007
in the proverbial mirror
i am not implying a superiority over others, because that could not be further from the truth. it is simply unfair and unreasonable to expect others and myself to be one and the same in any way.
i am often impatient and have little tolerance for a lack of speed and perceived competency that is exhibited by others. this is a competitive world, and being realistic, no ones owes anyone else a living, and there is no obligation either. i'm blogging this not because i've decided to change. rather, i am undecided.
should i maintain this level of expectation, asking of others the same as what i do of myself? or should i let it go and expect less?
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
hopelessly
in the visible future - did i employ an oxymoron? - there will be no salvation from this tragedy of lovelessness and solitude. i saw your face today on my screen and nothing stirred; i know i'm safe now, from the betraying reaches of this backstabbing, fair-weather companion that turned its back on me when i made up my mind to give it my everything.
i would pray for a miracle to move this obstinacy, but experience begs for sensibility and wisdom.
at sporadic times, like on my way home last night, i felt a deep sinking feeling which descended without warning. i was nearly asphyxiated by the misery and was fortunate to have a confidant, whom i treasure to no end and wish to thank for always being there and comforting me when i need someone. i think soiree wasn't the best thing for me to attend last evening, not least because majority of those present were couples and clearly that hit a sour note in me, not of jealousy but of being left out, for there were none present whom i would have wanted to be anything more than friends with. perhaps that sparked the melancholy i found myself falling into.
this is sad, first because i am so pathetically hopeless in matters of this unreliable abstract concept which marauds under the guise of the name called love, and second, i have nothing to write about save for this, which is what passes through my mind most of the time these days. i don't think this cycle is unusual from the past, except only now it is more pronounced than before. the longer i go on like this without respite, the more salient the issue will be, i would suspect.
i'll have to end it here. this is getting more depressing than it ever needs to be.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
the joys of reading
The original Hercules transport plane has been gutted and her innards replaced with a cockpit-to-tail array of technology designed to locate, target and kill an opponent on the ground. It is seventy-two million dollars' worth of pure bad news.
The 'destroy' section of the Spectre's role is provided by three systems. Heaviest is the M102 105-mm howitzer which is so powerful that to use it on a single human being would be a tad excessive.
Next down comes the 40-mm Bofors cannon, derived, long ago, from the Swedish anti-aircraft weapon, a fast repeater with enough muscle to rip buildings or tanks to fragments. The Spectre crew, told their target was a man on a horse, chose the Gau-12/U Gatling chain gun. This horror fires 1,800 rounds per minute and each round is a 25-mm (one-inch diameter) slug, a single one of which will pull a human body apart. So immense is the fire of the rotating five-barrel chain gun that if used on a football pitch for thirty seconds nothing much bigger than a dormouse will be left alive. And the mouse will die of shock.